Disappointment is one of those things that really can suck the joy out of life if we let it. And I will be the first to admit that I don't handle disappointment well. I will also admit that I have a perpetual and sometimes irrational fear of disappointing others. I think I'd rather get run over by a combine than let down someone I care about. I also really don't like being disappointed, (really, who does?) But I have come to realize that it has gotten to the point where I would rather place low, if any expectations on myself and others, rather than risk disappointing them or myself. If someone says, for example, that they would like to go hang out with me at an event I was planning on going to, say a concert or party, I subconsciously and automatically assume that something will come up and they won't make it. This is less risky, as I won't be disappointed if in fact they don't go, and pleasantly surprised if they do. I suppose I just don't trust people. I don't trust that they are actually going to do what they say they are going to do, because often they don't.
The same is for myself. When I begin a college course, for example, I begin assuming that I will mess something up, and not be able to keep a high grade. That way if I do excel in the class I am very happy, but if for some reason I don't, then I won't be too disappointed in myself. This creates a frustrating power-struggle within my nature, as I am also a born perfectionist with a severe case of "fear-of-failure". I would rather not do my best, so that if I don't do just perfectly, I will know it was because I didn't give it my all, not because I simply wasn't good enough. This method does backfire, however, because the perfectionist clawing around within me always beats my insides to mush if I do not excel at simply everything.
Yeah, you can feel free to roll your eyes and reduce me to a disturbed psycho after reading all that, and it won't even disappoint me! =) All I can say is that living like this is exhausting. But it is who I am, for now. And praise be to our amazing God for who He is! I know He is the only One who will never disappoint me. And so I can wait without fear of disappointment, "looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus" (Titus 2:13). And that is one promise that I expect with all my heart to be fulfilled!
