A Beautiful Mess....

Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like your little world was just crumbling to pieces? And I'm not talking a grand, dramatic explosion...but one of those days where even your best-laid plans turn to ugly, messy rubble...and you are left huddling in the ruins wondering if any of it was worth it....?

Please, don't misunderstand this post's topic by calling me with concerned inquires into my mental and emotional health...I am fully stable and of sound mind and body, thank you very much. But I think it is time that we start being a little more honest about the things that tear us up inside, threaten our security, and even shake the very foundations of everything we believe in...those moments that turn our castles, (okay, or for some of us, adobe huts,) into rubble. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...you know you do. I don't care how important or "unimportant" the event or circumstance is, if it shakes your world to the core, rest assured, it is both important and worth a listening ear...

Okay, so you aren't convinced that I'm serious....then I'll start. Something that has truly shaken my life lately, is the absolute demolition of my job-security. Regent University, (in case you weren't aware,) is a highly expensive school to attend, and so, being the over-achiever and control-freak that I am...as soon as I decided that I was going to Regent, I started planning how I could pay for it. [Side Note: I also come from a conservative, hard-working, Swiss-German Mennonite family...so I came in with the ingrained notion that since I picked this school, it was my responsibility to make it or break it, and if I couldn't work hard enough to put myself through school, I was a failure. This notion isn't a bad one necessarily - a solid work ethic is always a good thing, but I took it to the extreme, (shocking, I know,) and thus relied entirely upon myself to accomplish this huge, (and really, almost impossible,) task.] My plans included going to school full time, as well as working a full time job at the Inn on campus, so that not only was I earning $$, but I also would receive a discount on tuition if I could carry the full time work status for a year. This, according to my plan, was a sure-proof way to accomplish my goal...

...and then the wrecking ball came. The full time position I had been promised, was eliminated due to a company/management shift, and suddenly, I was struggling to work even 8 hours a week. The structure of my plans were crumpling around me, and when I looked down at my hands, (so accustomed to holding tightly to and controlling my life,) all I found was the ashes of my "best-laid plans"...

I was angry. Furious, actually. How dare they do this to me? Were there no ethics in the corporate world anymore? Didn't they realize that without this job, I may not be able to continue studying at Regent, much less living in VA Beach? And by the way, where was God in all of this?!?

Okay, so that poor attitude lasted about an hour and a half....then I was reminded of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." He knew exactly what I was going through, in fact, He knew that I would go through that even before I ever heard of Regent University, much less decided to go there. He knew, and yet He allowed me to make my plans....knowing that those very plans would be crushed in my hands. So He must know that I can handle it, or rather, that He could handle it through me. And yes...I took it further...He must have something better in mind for me. He has never let me down, and I trust Him implicitly. He is taking care of me, and I am choosing to trust that the structure He builds, will fare much better than my pathetic attempts at scaffolding the "perfect plans."

Another part of this experience that I had to overcome was my shame. I don't know if that surprises any of you, but it is a very real feeling for me. Remember, I came here with the preconceived idea that if I didn't make it happen, if I couldn't succeed at working hard enough to pay my way through, I was a failure. And so I found myself going to God and apologizing for not making it work, and calling my family feeling so ashamed of myself, so unworthy, like such a disappointment. This has been something I have dealt with my whole life...the feeling of "not measuring up," and of perpetually disappointing everyone around me. I know I am not alone in this attitude, and that each of you, (if you think about it for a moment or two, but no pressure...) could come up with at least one area that you continue to feel like an "underachiever" in, or "unworthy," or even a "loser." These are words that I attach to myself in many areas of my life...I am beginning to recognize that, driven by my perfectionism, I buy into a lot of lies about myself that are not at all what my Maker is speaking over me.

So as I thought about my rubble - the ruins of my well-laid plans, I wept over the ugly mess that they had become. But as I cried, it was as though the Lord spoke sweet words directly to my heart...almost as though He were saying, "My child...this ugly mess that you speak of, I do not see it. This failure and disappointment and shame that you repent of, I do not remember it. My Son has redeemed all of the rubble, He has built a foundation of holiness, purity, and strength...and all you need do is build upon it. I will help you - I will direct you - I will give you the building materials. Give me your hands, and I will use them. I am giving you a hope and a future. Your mess is beautiful to me..."

These words are true in not only the situation I mentioned, but the other situations in which we feel like we have made a royal mess of things, and are no longer worthy of God's love and attention. It is true of the situation that is crossing your mind right now...

So as you go about your week, building your castles and creating your well-structured plans...1st) be sure to build only upon the Foundation, the Rock of Jesus Christ, and 2nd) allow God to use the rubble of past experiences to build a stronger structure this time-around. Remember - His plans never fail. If He is your Architect, your castle will stand. And do not waste any more time wallowing in the mess of the past...Jesus has redeemed it, and is creating it into a thing of beauty...

Youth Ministry....and Starbucks

As I sit just inside a local Starbucks here in Chesapeake VA, I am

struck by how similar the crowd of customers are in these places. Why is that? Really, what is Starbucks? A classy, fun little place to hang out with friends and sip over-priced coffee like a hipster.

As I look over, I notice a guy in his early thirties sitting in the corner in one of the overstuffed chairs with a venti iced tea reading a paperback novel. The well trimmed goatee, graphic t'shirt, and All-Starr kicks give him away....the classic youth minister. I don't know what it is about these environments, but they positively breed these guys. You know the ones I mean, those guys who really should be classified as "adults," but since they spend so much time with the teenagers in their youth groups, they are caught in some awkward limbo between hip teenager and mature adult. The goatee is like a statement - "I am cool. I am mature and wise and older: but I am cool."

I know these guys, several of my friends are these guys. They spend their evenings "hanging out" with the teens, doing many team-bonding activities, (the kind that involve toilet paper, silly string, water balloons, and lots of Mountain Dew and Pizza.) They spend their weekends on retreats and lock-ins, implementing crazy and creating ways of communicating Biblical truths to kids whose attention spans rival those of hummingbirds on six cups of coffee. And if they are those hard-core, full-time youth pastors, their mornings are spent in the church office, dealing with angry janitors, (yes, playing "chubby bunny" in the church gym and failing to clean up the aftermath was probably a really bad idea...) Not to mention the calls from parents wondering why their little Johnny hasn't been "cured" of his unhealthy interest in such devilish activities as smoking and video-gaming, or occasionally a concerned visit by the head pastor, as he stops by to check up on how the "spiritual vitality" of the group is doing...(and somehow, he never can seem to understand that slouching in beanbags playing halo and gorging on pepperoni pizza is a form of mentoring...) And somewhere in all of this activity, this youth pastor has to find time to make sure he is taking time to focus oh his relationship with the Lord.

So as I look over at the guy in the graphic tee and kicks calmly sipping his iced tea and reading his paperback, I can't help but smile. Because I know that as calm and mellow as his life looks right now, he really is one of the great spiritual leaders in the body of Christ today. A "Moses" in disguise, a David with a hip goatee... While he has to deal with all of the stress and frustration, (and perhaps identity crisis,) that his job entails, I also know that he spends his nights in prayer for his students, earnestly interceding for them before the throne of his true Boss, thanking Him for the privilege of being given these precious lives for a time, and praying for the wisdom and strength to lead them to to an ever closer walk with Him.

So I guess you never quite know who you might run into at Starbucks on a Friday afternoon...but if you see that guy, be sure to give him a smile....don't let the disguise fool you, this little venti tea and paperback break is well-deserved for this modern-day Moses....

Thought of the Day...Stop Thinking!

So I don't know if any of you have this problem or not, but sometimes it is ridiculously hard for me to fall asleep at night. Not because I've had too much caffeine, (no such thing,) or because I've napped too much during the day, (I wish.) No, my problem is a lot more difficult to eliminate...I simply can't stop thinking. I tend to analyze everything, which can be time consuming, but fascinating. However, I've been thinking lately that maybe this tendency of mine is not always pleasing to God. I mean, I know that He made me this way...(and probably finds much amusement in hearing my thoughts go round and round like a hamster on a wheel.) But at the same time, I also struggle ultimately trusting Him with those thoughts.

Okay...yes, I am a control freak. I own that. And that combined with my analytical tendencies makes for an interesting, and unfortunately self-dependent attitude. But as I was reading from the Word this morning...*side note: cuddled up in my study chair with four pillows, a blanket, and a hot cup of coffee, facing out the open window with the fresh morning breeze blowing across my face....* it really struck me that while it is good to to do the thinking that I do, I need to ultimately not rely on my own conclusions, but trust Him implicitly with them. So Proverbs 3 struck me in a new way...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths. Don't consider yourself to be wise; fear the Lord and turn from evil. This will be healing for your body and strengthening fo ryour bones." ~Proverbs 3:5-8~

I also turned to Psalms, to one of my favorite passages, as a reminder that in those late nights when I can't sleep, and I try to solve the world's problems, that I really should be focusing on thinking about Him.

"God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You, in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. You satisfy me as with rich food, my mouth will praise You with joyful lips. When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches because You are my help; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I will follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me." ~Psalm 63:1-8~

So if there are any other crazy insomniacs out there...I would really encourage you to spend your precious thoughts on something worthwhile...Him. Ultimately, as much as I may process and analyze, He needs to be the one I trust to provide the final conclusion.