A Beautiful Mess....

Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like your little world was just crumbling to pieces? And I'm not talking a grand, dramatic explosion...but one of those days where even your best-laid plans turn to ugly, messy rubble...and you are left huddling in the ruins wondering if any of it was worth it....?

Please, don't misunderstand this post's topic by calling me with concerned inquires into my mental and emotional health...I am fully stable and of sound mind and body, thank you very much. But I think it is time that we start being a little more honest about the things that tear us up inside, threaten our security, and even shake the very foundations of everything we believe in...those moments that turn our castles, (okay, or for some of us, adobe huts,) into rubble. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...you know you do. I don't care how important or "unimportant" the event or circumstance is, if it shakes your world to the core, rest assured, it is both important and worth a listening ear...

Okay, so you aren't convinced that I'm serious....then I'll start. Something that has truly shaken my life lately, is the absolute demolition of my job-security. Regent University, (in case you weren't aware,) is a highly expensive school to attend, and so, being the over-achiever and control-freak that I am...as soon as I decided that I was going to Regent, I started planning how I could pay for it. [Side Note: I also come from a conservative, hard-working, Swiss-German Mennonite family...so I came in with the ingrained notion that since I picked this school, it was my responsibility to make it or break it, and if I couldn't work hard enough to put myself through school, I was a failure. This notion isn't a bad one necessarily - a solid work ethic is always a good thing, but I took it to the extreme, (shocking, I know,) and thus relied entirely upon myself to accomplish this huge, (and really, almost impossible,) task.] My plans included going to school full time, as well as working a full time job at the Inn on campus, so that not only was I earning $$, but I also would receive a discount on tuition if I could carry the full time work status for a year. This, according to my plan, was a sure-proof way to accomplish my goal...

...and then the wrecking ball came. The full time position I had been promised, was eliminated due to a company/management shift, and suddenly, I was struggling to work even 8 hours a week. The structure of my plans were crumpling around me, and when I looked down at my hands, (so accustomed to holding tightly to and controlling my life,) all I found was the ashes of my "best-laid plans"...

I was angry. Furious, actually. How dare they do this to me? Were there no ethics in the corporate world anymore? Didn't they realize that without this job, I may not be able to continue studying at Regent, much less living in VA Beach? And by the way, where was God in all of this?!?

Okay, so that poor attitude lasted about an hour and a half....then I was reminded of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." He knew exactly what I was going through, in fact, He knew that I would go through that even before I ever heard of Regent University, much less decided to go there. He knew, and yet He allowed me to make my plans....knowing that those very plans would be crushed in my hands. So He must know that I can handle it, or rather, that He could handle it through me. And yes...I took it further...He must have something better in mind for me. He has never let me down, and I trust Him implicitly. He is taking care of me, and I am choosing to trust that the structure He builds, will fare much better than my pathetic attempts at scaffolding the "perfect plans."

Another part of this experience that I had to overcome was my shame. I don't know if that surprises any of you, but it is a very real feeling for me. Remember, I came here with the preconceived idea that if I didn't make it happen, if I couldn't succeed at working hard enough to pay my way through, I was a failure. And so I found myself going to God and apologizing for not making it work, and calling my family feeling so ashamed of myself, so unworthy, like such a disappointment. This has been something I have dealt with my whole life...the feeling of "not measuring up," and of perpetually disappointing everyone around me. I know I am not alone in this attitude, and that each of you, (if you think about it for a moment or two, but no pressure...) could come up with at least one area that you continue to feel like an "underachiever" in, or "unworthy," or even a "loser." These are words that I attach to myself in many areas of my life...I am beginning to recognize that, driven by my perfectionism, I buy into a lot of lies about myself that are not at all what my Maker is speaking over me.

So as I thought about my rubble - the ruins of my well-laid plans, I wept over the ugly mess that they had become. But as I cried, it was as though the Lord spoke sweet words directly to my heart...almost as though He were saying, "My child...this ugly mess that you speak of, I do not see it. This failure and disappointment and shame that you repent of, I do not remember it. My Son has redeemed all of the rubble, He has built a foundation of holiness, purity, and strength...and all you need do is build upon it. I will help you - I will direct you - I will give you the building materials. Give me your hands, and I will use them. I am giving you a hope and a future. Your mess is beautiful to me..."

These words are true in not only the situation I mentioned, but the other situations in which we feel like we have made a royal mess of things, and are no longer worthy of God's love and attention. It is true of the situation that is crossing your mind right now...

So as you go about your week, building your castles and creating your well-structured plans...1st) be sure to build only upon the Foundation, the Rock of Jesus Christ, and 2nd) allow God to use the rubble of past experiences to build a stronger structure this time-around. Remember - His plans never fail. If He is your Architect, your castle will stand. And do not waste any more time wallowing in the mess of the past...Jesus has redeemed it, and is creating it into a thing of beauty...