Dealing With Disappointment

Disappointment is one of those things that really can suck the joy out of life if we let it. And I will be the first to admit that I don't handle disappointment well. I will also admit that I have a perpetual and sometimes irrational fear of disappointing others. I think I'd rather get run over by a combine than let down someone I care about.

I also really don't like being disappointed, (really, who does?) But I have come to realize that it has gotten to the point where I would rather place low, if any expectations on myself and others, rather than risk disappointing them or myself. If someone says, for example, that they would like to go hang out with me at an event I was planning on going to, say a concert or party, I subconsciously and automatically assume that something will come up and they won't make it. This is less risky, as I won't be disappointed if in fact they don't go, and pleasantly surprised if they do. I suppose I just don't trust people. I don't trust that they are actually going to do what they say they are going to do, because often they don't.

The same is for myself. When I begin a college course, for example, I begin assuming that I will mess something up, and not be able to keep a high grade. That way if I do excel in the class I am very happy, but if for some reason I don't, then I won't be too disappointed in myself. This creates a frustrating power-struggle within my nature, as I am also a born perfectionist with a severe case of "fear-of-failure". I would rather not do my best, so that if I don't do just perfectly, I will know it was because I didn't give it my all, not because I simply wasn't good enough. This method does backfire, however, because the perfectionist clawing around within me always beats my insides to mush if I do not excel at simply everything.

Yeah, you can feel free to roll your eyes and reduce me to a disturbed psycho after reading all that, and it won't even disappoint me! =) All I can say is that living like this is exhausting. But it is who I am, for now. And praise be to our amazing God for who He is! I know He is the only One who will never disappoint me. And so I can wait without fear of disappointment, "looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus" (Titus 2:13). And that is one promise that I expect with all my heart to be fulfilled!

Changes Again...

I do not like change. I can admit it - I'm not good at it and I generally try to avoid it at all costs.

And boy...is this a time of change for me. I think sometimes God is looking down and laughing kindly with the angels at "that little Graybill girl," trying to control every detail of her existence, then frantically trying to find stability in a world of shifting shadows. In my imagination, (which is a glorious place, I assure you,) God is forever holding out His arms, offering rest from the storms of change that blow like leaden clouds and dancing prisms of rainbow-colored light - sometimes this change is exciting and vibrant, sometimes heavy and dark, but always somewhat exhausting. That is when I come to appreciate the solid Rock all the more...as one of my favorite hymns goes..."Rock of Ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee."

But some days change is a good thing, a God-ordained process. I need to continually remind myself to go with the flow and cling to the solid Rock for dear life, instead of digging my heels in and refusing to budge. (Which, by the way, only works for a very brief time. I'm convinced it gets to the point where God just gets a little tired of my stupid obstinance and gives me a mild jolt to get me going.)

I don't know what kind of change affects you the most...lately, mine has been the shifting of my my "base of operation," my home. My "home" will always be back with my family in Lancaster, but when I moved to Virginia Beach, that distinction became a little more cloudy. I don't really "belong" anywhere now, when I visit my home, it is always a little jarring. I have the warm-fuzzies of being back where my family is, of settling into the home where most of my memories were created, but I also experience the unsettling discovery that life has moved on without me in Lancaster. My friends get engaged, my parents buy a new tv, my favorite coffee shop is relocated....all these changes happened without my even being aware of them.

But now that this change, this shifting has occurred, I can't go back. I can physically go back...I can visit, I can even relocate to Lancaster again. But I can never go back. And you know what, that is okay. It is okay because the more change I go through, the more I realize that this earth is not my home. I will never quite fit anywhere, because I was not created for this world. I belong in another Place, with another Person, and until I meet Him face-to-face in that world, I will always feel a little lost...and that is okay.

So now that I have realized this, I can take Aslan's advice in C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles Of Narnia, and continue going "further up, and further in!" Always in pursuit of my true land, where one day I will dance on those streets of gold, and I will know that I am Home.

I Will Praise You In This Storm....

"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining...

"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away.

"And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm."

~Casting Crowns~

So...yesterday definitely counts as "one of those days." One of those days that you, (okay, or at least I,) never see coming. Maybe because they really don't come that frequently for me, so it is hard to recognize them until they are on top of me. They usually start quietly enough...nothing out of the ordinary. Then - wham! Something happens to turn your world upside down, even if for just a moment. Maybe it is a conversation, or an e-mail, or unexpected news. But when you get it, there is no avoiding the inevitable...you just have to walk through it, and pray that God in His abundant mercy covers you and keeps you from falling apart.

I hate these days - with a passion. I hate feeling helpless, hopeless, and weak. When these storms come, I usually try to lock myself away, huddle within myself until it passes, cling to my precious Jesus with all my strength, and let the rain and tears fall down. But I have recently discovered that perhaps that isn't always the best way to handle these storms...

Sometimes God will send people into your life to walk with you through the storm...(or in my case, sit with me as I curl in a fetal position on the couch.) One of the reasons I lock myself away is because I do not like sharing my pain or fear or, God-forbid, tears. Perhaps it is a pride-thing, I don't know, I just know that is what I have always done.

But I have come to realize that sometimes we need to just suck up our pride and self-reliance, and admit that we need each other. Sure, there are times when perhaps the best way to find healing is through silence and solitude, but when the Lord is gracious enough to send you another believer to walk alongside you, it is time to take a leap of faith and trust that He and that person will not let you drown.

So as the rain falls and the thunder rolls above your head, and all you can do is cry the name of Jesus... if God brings someone into your world to walk with you through the storm, absorb your mucus and mascara with their shirt, and simply hold you until the pain passes, see it as a gift from God - a physical sign of His presence and love. And then hold onto them and Jesus with both arms and legs....and choose to praise Him in the storm.

A Beautiful Mess....

Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like your little world was just crumbling to pieces? And I'm not talking a grand, dramatic explosion...but one of those days where even your best-laid plans turn to ugly, messy rubble...and you are left huddling in the ruins wondering if any of it was worth it....?

Please, don't misunderstand this post's topic by calling me with concerned inquires into my mental and emotional health...I am fully stable and of sound mind and body, thank you very much. But I think it is time that we start being a little more honest about the things that tear us up inside, threaten our security, and even shake the very foundations of everything we believe in...those moments that turn our castles, (okay, or for some of us, adobe huts,) into rubble. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...you know you do. I don't care how important or "unimportant" the event or circumstance is, if it shakes your world to the core, rest assured, it is both important and worth a listening ear...

Okay, so you aren't convinced that I'm serious....then I'll start. Something that has truly shaken my life lately, is the absolute demolition of my job-security. Regent University, (in case you weren't aware,) is a highly expensive school to attend, and so, being the over-achiever and control-freak that I am...as soon as I decided that I was going to Regent, I started planning how I could pay for it. [Side Note: I also come from a conservative, hard-working, Swiss-German Mennonite family...so I came in with the ingrained notion that since I picked this school, it was my responsibility to make it or break it, and if I couldn't work hard enough to put myself through school, I was a failure. This notion isn't a bad one necessarily - a solid work ethic is always a good thing, but I took it to the extreme, (shocking, I know,) and thus relied entirely upon myself to accomplish this huge, (and really, almost impossible,) task.] My plans included going to school full time, as well as working a full time job at the Inn on campus, so that not only was I earning $$, but I also would receive a discount on tuition if I could carry the full time work status for a year. This, according to my plan, was a sure-proof way to accomplish my goal...

...and then the wrecking ball came. The full time position I had been promised, was eliminated due to a company/management shift, and suddenly, I was struggling to work even 8 hours a week. The structure of my plans were crumpling around me, and when I looked down at my hands, (so accustomed to holding tightly to and controlling my life,) all I found was the ashes of my "best-laid plans"...

I was angry. Furious, actually. How dare they do this to me? Were there no ethics in the corporate world anymore? Didn't they realize that without this job, I may not be able to continue studying at Regent, much less living in VA Beach? And by the way, where was God in all of this?!?

Okay, so that poor attitude lasted about an hour and a half....then I was reminded of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." He knew exactly what I was going through, in fact, He knew that I would go through that even before I ever heard of Regent University, much less decided to go there. He knew, and yet He allowed me to make my plans....knowing that those very plans would be crushed in my hands. So He must know that I can handle it, or rather, that He could handle it through me. And yes...I took it further...He must have something better in mind for me. He has never let me down, and I trust Him implicitly. He is taking care of me, and I am choosing to trust that the structure He builds, will fare much better than my pathetic attempts at scaffolding the "perfect plans."

Another part of this experience that I had to overcome was my shame. I don't know if that surprises any of you, but it is a very real feeling for me. Remember, I came here with the preconceived idea that if I didn't make it happen, if I couldn't succeed at working hard enough to pay my way through, I was a failure. And so I found myself going to God and apologizing for not making it work, and calling my family feeling so ashamed of myself, so unworthy, like such a disappointment. This has been something I have dealt with my whole life...the feeling of "not measuring up," and of perpetually disappointing everyone around me. I know I am not alone in this attitude, and that each of you, (if you think about it for a moment or two, but no pressure...) could come up with at least one area that you continue to feel like an "underachiever" in, or "unworthy," or even a "loser." These are words that I attach to myself in many areas of my life...I am beginning to recognize that, driven by my perfectionism, I buy into a lot of lies about myself that are not at all what my Maker is speaking over me.

So as I thought about my rubble - the ruins of my well-laid plans, I wept over the ugly mess that they had become. But as I cried, it was as though the Lord spoke sweet words directly to my heart...almost as though He were saying, "My child...this ugly mess that you speak of, I do not see it. This failure and disappointment and shame that you repent of, I do not remember it. My Son has redeemed all of the rubble, He has built a foundation of holiness, purity, and strength...and all you need do is build upon it. I will help you - I will direct you - I will give you the building materials. Give me your hands, and I will use them. I am giving you a hope and a future. Your mess is beautiful to me..."

These words are true in not only the situation I mentioned, but the other situations in which we feel like we have made a royal mess of things, and are no longer worthy of God's love and attention. It is true of the situation that is crossing your mind right now...

So as you go about your week, building your castles and creating your well-structured plans...1st) be sure to build only upon the Foundation, the Rock of Jesus Christ, and 2nd) allow God to use the rubble of past experiences to build a stronger structure this time-around. Remember - His plans never fail. If He is your Architect, your castle will stand. And do not waste any more time wallowing in the mess of the past...Jesus has redeemed it, and is creating it into a thing of beauty...

Youth Ministry....and Starbucks

As I sit just inside a local Starbucks here in Chesapeake VA, I am

struck by how similar the crowd of customers are in these places. Why is that? Really, what is Starbucks? A classy, fun little place to hang out with friends and sip over-priced coffee like a hipster.

As I look over, I notice a guy in his early thirties sitting in the corner in one of the overstuffed chairs with a venti iced tea reading a paperback novel. The well trimmed goatee, graphic t'shirt, and All-Starr kicks give him away....the classic youth minister. I don't know what it is about these environments, but they positively breed these guys. You know the ones I mean, those guys who really should be classified as "adults," but since they spend so much time with the teenagers in their youth groups, they are caught in some awkward limbo between hip teenager and mature adult. The goatee is like a statement - "I am cool. I am mature and wise and older: but I am cool."

I know these guys, several of my friends are these guys. They spend their evenings "hanging out" with the teens, doing many team-bonding activities, (the kind that involve toilet paper, silly string, water balloons, and lots of Mountain Dew and Pizza.) They spend their weekends on retreats and lock-ins, implementing crazy and creating ways of communicating Biblical truths to kids whose attention spans rival those of hummingbirds on six cups of coffee. And if they are those hard-core, full-time youth pastors, their mornings are spent in the church office, dealing with angry janitors, (yes, playing "chubby bunny" in the church gym and failing to clean up the aftermath was probably a really bad idea...) Not to mention the calls from parents wondering why their little Johnny hasn't been "cured" of his unhealthy interest in such devilish activities as smoking and video-gaming, or occasionally a concerned visit by the head pastor, as he stops by to check up on how the "spiritual vitality" of the group is doing...(and somehow, he never can seem to understand that slouching in beanbags playing halo and gorging on pepperoni pizza is a form of mentoring...) And somewhere in all of this activity, this youth pastor has to find time to make sure he is taking time to focus oh his relationship with the Lord.

So as I look over at the guy in the graphic tee and kicks calmly sipping his iced tea and reading his paperback, I can't help but smile. Because I know that as calm and mellow as his life looks right now, he really is one of the great spiritual leaders in the body of Christ today. A "Moses" in disguise, a David with a hip goatee... While he has to deal with all of the stress and frustration, (and perhaps identity crisis,) that his job entails, I also know that he spends his nights in prayer for his students, earnestly interceding for them before the throne of his true Boss, thanking Him for the privilege of being given these precious lives for a time, and praying for the wisdom and strength to lead them to to an ever closer walk with Him.

So I guess you never quite know who you might run into at Starbucks on a Friday afternoon...but if you see that guy, be sure to give him a smile....don't let the disguise fool you, this little venti tea and paperback break is well-deserved for this modern-day Moses....

Thought of the Day...Stop Thinking!

So I don't know if any of you have this problem or not, but sometimes it is ridiculously hard for me to fall asleep at night. Not because I've had too much caffeine, (no such thing,) or because I've napped too much during the day, (I wish.) No, my problem is a lot more difficult to eliminate...I simply can't stop thinking. I tend to analyze everything, which can be time consuming, but fascinating. However, I've been thinking lately that maybe this tendency of mine is not always pleasing to God. I mean, I know that He made me this way...(and probably finds much amusement in hearing my thoughts go round and round like a hamster on a wheel.) But at the same time, I also struggle ultimately trusting Him with those thoughts.

Okay...yes, I am a control freak. I own that. And that combined with my analytical tendencies makes for an interesting, and unfortunately self-dependent attitude. But as I was reading from the Word this morning...*side note: cuddled up in my study chair with four pillows, a blanket, and a hot cup of coffee, facing out the open window with the fresh morning breeze blowing across my face....* it really struck me that while it is good to to do the thinking that I do, I need to ultimately not rely on my own conclusions, but trust Him implicitly with them. So Proverbs 3 struck me in a new way...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths. Don't consider yourself to be wise; fear the Lord and turn from evil. This will be healing for your body and strengthening fo ryour bones." ~Proverbs 3:5-8~

I also turned to Psalms, to one of my favorite passages, as a reminder that in those late nights when I can't sleep, and I try to solve the world's problems, that I really should be focusing on thinking about Him.

"God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You, in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. You satisfy me as with rich food, my mouth will praise You with joyful lips. When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches because You are my help; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I will follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me." ~Psalm 63:1-8~

So if there are any other crazy insomniacs out there...I would really encourage you to spend your precious thoughts on something worthwhile...Him. Ultimately, as much as I may process and analyze, He needs to be the one I trust to provide the final conclusion.