Changes Again...

I do not like change. I can admit it - I'm not good at it and I generally try to avoid it at all costs.

And boy...is this a time of change for me. I think sometimes God is looking down and laughing kindly with the angels at "that little Graybill girl," trying to control every detail of her existence, then frantically trying to find stability in a world of shifting shadows. In my imagination, (which is a glorious place, I assure you,) God is forever holding out His arms, offering rest from the storms of change that blow like leaden clouds and dancing prisms of rainbow-colored light - sometimes this change is exciting and vibrant, sometimes heavy and dark, but always somewhat exhausting. That is when I come to appreciate the solid Rock all the more...as one of my favorite hymns goes..."Rock of Ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee."

But some days change is a good thing, a God-ordained process. I need to continually remind myself to go with the flow and cling to the solid Rock for dear life, instead of digging my heels in and refusing to budge. (Which, by the way, only works for a very brief time. I'm convinced it gets to the point where God just gets a little tired of my stupid obstinance and gives me a mild jolt to get me going.)

I don't know what kind of change affects you the most...lately, mine has been the shifting of my my "base of operation," my home. My "home" will always be back with my family in Lancaster, but when I moved to Virginia Beach, that distinction became a little more cloudy. I don't really "belong" anywhere now, when I visit my home, it is always a little jarring. I have the warm-fuzzies of being back where my family is, of settling into the home where most of my memories were created, but I also experience the unsettling discovery that life has moved on without me in Lancaster. My friends get engaged, my parents buy a new tv, my favorite coffee shop is relocated....all these changes happened without my even being aware of them.

But now that this change, this shifting has occurred, I can't go back. I can physically go back...I can visit, I can even relocate to Lancaster again. But I can never go back. And you know what, that is okay. It is okay because the more change I go through, the more I realize that this earth is not my home. I will never quite fit anywhere, because I was not created for this world. I belong in another Place, with another Person, and until I meet Him face-to-face in that world, I will always feel a little lost...and that is okay.

So now that I have realized this, I can take Aslan's advice in C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles Of Narnia, and continue going "further up, and further in!" Always in pursuit of my true land, where one day I will dance on those streets of gold, and I will know that I am Home.