Changes Again...

I do not like change. I can admit it - I'm not good at it and I generally try to avoid it at all costs.

And boy...is this a time of change for me. I think sometimes God is looking down and laughing kindly with the angels at "that little Graybill girl," trying to control every detail of her existence, then frantically trying to find stability in a world of shifting shadows. In my imagination, (which is a glorious place, I assure you,) God is forever holding out His arms, offering rest from the storms of change that blow like leaden clouds and dancing prisms of rainbow-colored light - sometimes this change is exciting and vibrant, sometimes heavy and dark, but always somewhat exhausting. That is when I come to appreciate the solid Rock all the more...as one of my favorite hymns goes..."Rock of Ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee."

But some days change is a good thing, a God-ordained process. I need to continually remind myself to go with the flow and cling to the solid Rock for dear life, instead of digging my heels in and refusing to budge. (Which, by the way, only works for a very brief time. I'm convinced it gets to the point where God just gets a little tired of my stupid obstinance and gives me a mild jolt to get me going.)

I don't know what kind of change affects you the most...lately, mine has been the shifting of my my "base of operation," my home. My "home" will always be back with my family in Lancaster, but when I moved to Virginia Beach, that distinction became a little more cloudy. I don't really "belong" anywhere now, when I visit my home, it is always a little jarring. I have the warm-fuzzies of being back where my family is, of settling into the home where most of my memories were created, but I also experience the unsettling discovery that life has moved on without me in Lancaster. My friends get engaged, my parents buy a new tv, my favorite coffee shop is relocated....all these changes happened without my even being aware of them.

But now that this change, this shifting has occurred, I can't go back. I can physically go back...I can visit, I can even relocate to Lancaster again. But I can never go back. And you know what, that is okay. It is okay because the more change I go through, the more I realize that this earth is not my home. I will never quite fit anywhere, because I was not created for this world. I belong in another Place, with another Person, and until I meet Him face-to-face in that world, I will always feel a little lost...and that is okay.

So now that I have realized this, I can take Aslan's advice in C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles Of Narnia, and continue going "further up, and further in!" Always in pursuit of my true land, where one day I will dance on those streets of gold, and I will know that I am Home.

I Will Praise You In This Storm....

"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining...

"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away.

"And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm."

~Casting Crowns~

So...yesterday definitely counts as "one of those days." One of those days that you, (okay, or at least I,) never see coming. Maybe because they really don't come that frequently for me, so it is hard to recognize them until they are on top of me. They usually start quietly enough...nothing out of the ordinary. Then - wham! Something happens to turn your world upside down, even if for just a moment. Maybe it is a conversation, or an e-mail, or unexpected news. But when you get it, there is no avoiding the inevitable...you just have to walk through it, and pray that God in His abundant mercy covers you and keeps you from falling apart.

I hate these days - with a passion. I hate feeling helpless, hopeless, and weak. When these storms come, I usually try to lock myself away, huddle within myself until it passes, cling to my precious Jesus with all my strength, and let the rain and tears fall down. But I have recently discovered that perhaps that isn't always the best way to handle these storms...

Sometimes God will send people into your life to walk with you through the storm...(or in my case, sit with me as I curl in a fetal position on the couch.) One of the reasons I lock myself away is because I do not like sharing my pain or fear or, God-forbid, tears. Perhaps it is a pride-thing, I don't know, I just know that is what I have always done.

But I have come to realize that sometimes we need to just suck up our pride and self-reliance, and admit that we need each other. Sure, there are times when perhaps the best way to find healing is through silence and solitude, but when the Lord is gracious enough to send you another believer to walk alongside you, it is time to take a leap of faith and trust that He and that person will not let you drown.

So as the rain falls and the thunder rolls above your head, and all you can do is cry the name of Jesus... if God brings someone into your world to walk with you through the storm, absorb your mucus and mascara with their shirt, and simply hold you until the pain passes, see it as a gift from God - a physical sign of His presence and love. And then hold onto them and Jesus with both arms and legs....and choose to praise Him in the storm.