Tuesday, December 1, 2015

An Experiment in Transparency

Social media can be a dangerous thing. It can tell a compelling story that lacks detail, or show a beautiful piece of art, neglecting the shadows in the background. Social media is wonderful, because we can stay in touch with people we care about but cannot see or talk with frequently. It can be dangerous if that is the only way those people know us. It is so one dimensional.

So let's try an experiment in transparency.

I am not the perfect woman, friend, daughter, sister, leader, or grad student. Honestly, I am a perfect mess right now. I have large amounts of credit card debt and student loans that I will be paying for the rest of my life. I deal with anxiety and job stress on a daily basis, which often results in indigestion, hair loss, or migraines. I question myself, doubting if my abilities align with my sense of calling, or if I understand my sense of calling at all. I feel guilty about not being available enough for my friends, but resent too many demands on my all too little time. I struggle to overcome my controlling nature, and my "leadership qualities" (aka bossiness) often lands me in hot water. I am impatient, ungentle, discouraged, and tired.

....

I could just leave it there. I clearly don't have it all together, so maybe the point is that my messiness should encourage you, (“hey, at least I’m not sporting bald spots like that Graybill girl!”). Or maybe, just maybe, I should talk a little less about me, and a little bit more about those who are responsible for the best I have to offer. You see, my ungraciousness has been worn away by those friends whose gentleness shines from them like spring sunshine. My bossiness has been refined to actual leadership skills because of the guidance and example of supervisors, mentors, and bosses, who each took time to invest in who I was and who I am becoming. My self-absorption and roller-coaster emotions have been buffered and caressed into a more genuine nature by the unconditional and unfathomable love of my mom. My arrogance has been humbled by the wisdom of my dad, and my rudeness quenched by the grace of my brother. My irresponsibility has experienced accountability in the generous figures of my grandparents, and my anxiety quelled by the prayers of my best friend.

Ultimately, substantially, I owe any of the good I do or grace I exhibit to who I believe God is, and how I allow my God to work on and through me. That is the point I am oh-so-clumsily trying to make. I am not perfect; I am not even remarkable. I am very, very human. But each day that I grow to be a little bit more like the Jesus I love, I consider to be a good day. And each of those days I owe entirely to God and to the amazing people He has put in my life.


So to each of you, to those I owe my grand life and never thank enough, “thank you”. Stay amazing. 

And to each of you who feel like perfect messes today too, I highly suggest taking a walk in the wild. There is something incredibly healing about feeling totally accepted and at home in nature. Give it a try, I dare you. Just don't forget to come home again. Tomorrow is a brand new day.